Argh, see, that’s the logic I hate but it happens all the time. People assume that because of your age, you don’t know any better. See, with me, when I was 17, I had a boyfriend. Then in college I had a girlfriend. I don’t think people realize that, growing up is all about discovering yourself and figuring out what works for you. But man, I remember coming out and hearing the, “but you had a boyfriend how is this possible,” from some people. People don’t realize that growing up – especially teen years – means you’re trying to figure out who you are, and I think those are the years where it’s strongest, because you’re around a bunch of other people going through the same thing, and judging you for it while they’re going through it themselves.
It sounds like your mom really does love you, which is good! That’s what happened with my dad and me coming out (I was… 21 I think?). But, and this is going to sound odd, at least she told you right off the bat that she doesn’t really accept it. My dad? He told me he did accept it, but then I overheard him on the phone with my mom the next day saying that he didn’t, and sounding really angry. He got over it later, sure (with some help from my mom being like, “If you fight with her on this you’re going to lose her so stop,”) but it was terrible thinking that he got it when he really didn’t.
So your mom doesn’t accept it, but she still loves you, which means, to me, that she’s willing to try. She doesn’t accept it for two reasons, most likely:
1. She doesn’t quite understand what it means, so you may want to sit down and explain it, and even that you’re still learning, too. You’re still growing, which is great. You’re 17 and figuring things out. That doesn’t mean you’re confused, it just means you’re exploring and becoming more comfortable as yourself. Tell her how good it makes you feel, you know? It’s a great feeling to have that sort of light bulb moment of, “Ooooooh so THAT’S what this is.” Now she may still be like, “You don’t know any better,” but don’t forget that she still loves you, which means that it might take a bit for her to adjust to the idea, but at least you still have her love, and eventually as you go through this she’ll start to see it too (for example my partner’s parents, who – the first time she came out they ignored it completely, the second time with me they sort of acknowledged it but never brought it up again, but now I’m officially her partner to them and part of the family).
2. The whole “she’s worried for you” thing. It’s not something readily accepted, and she’s worried. I mean even your friends, you said, made fun of you. If they’re acting like that, what’s the rest of the world going to do? As I said, I do wish we lived in a more accepting world but we don’t, so our parents are going to worry about us. They know what the world is like and they want to protect us from it. It’s much easier if you’re the “correct” gender, “correct” sexuality, and so on and so on. So when we deviate from that, our parents worry. Growing up, I knew all about racism, not because it happened to me but because my family told me all about what could possibly maybe someday happen to me. There’s also the fact that I’m a girl, a black girl, so that opened a new can of worms. And I’m not the “typical” black girl because I want to play video games and stuff. And I’m not a size two either. Or a size ten. Or twenty even. Then I come out to them in my twenties too?
Honestly, they have a right to be worried, you know? Look at the world we live in, I mean… yeah.
Our families want us to have simple lives that don’t hurts us, and sometimes it takes a while for them to realize that simple does not mean best. Comfortable means best. Being comfortable with who you are is the best life you can have.
Well… no, they do know that, but it’s just that parental kick of, you know, they don’t want to see you hurt. And when you’re so young they can be like, “Well you’re young you don’t know,” as the go to answer in hopes that you’ll be like, “Well maybe…” That’s why you get the sort of “are you sure” comments, and “well you’re not sure actually because you’re so young.” My partner’s parents did that. She had to come out twice because the first time they were like, “Nope,” and she even got sent to therapy. So then you think, “Oh wow they were right,” and she even had a boyfriend, but nope that didn’t last and we ended up meeting and… the rest is history. And then, once they saw she was happy and we were fine, it was like, “O.K. This is her partner.” Hell, our moms play “Words With Friends” online everyday now.
I think it’s important to realize that she does love you, though. That is key. And it’s important to realize that news like this takes some getting use to, even with your friends. Just because people don’t accept it right away doesn’t make them bad people, especially if you hear, “Well I still love you.” Just like it takes us a while to accept who we are (because it took me a while, for sure), it takes others a while, too. I didn’t wake up like, “Oh yep definitely lesbian,” I was actually like, “Oh god oh god no no no nope I’m not nope,” and stopped talking to her because, “Can’t be a lesbian not a lesbian I like guys nope.”
Now of course I like everyone, lol, I’m attracted to both and appreciate both, just last night we were watching movies and I was drooling over Thor and Superman with my mom while talking with my partner about how hot Pepper Potts is. And I’m comfortable with it now <3 I’m comfortable with being with my partner and everything, it took some time, but I am. But with coming out I also had to realize that if it took me a while to get comfortable, it’ll take others a while, too. Even if some people were like, “Hey cool,” that doesn’t mean that would be the reaction all around. However, getting a, “I still love you,” is amazing <3
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