I woke up from a nap just now because I decided to give up and sleep since the day was kinda crap. Now I have more followers O.O Hello kind people, thank you for the love and making my crap day better :)
Honestly I think it’s a combination of things. Stressing about job stuff and stretching myself way too thin without taking a break. This writing thing is great, but it’s a crazy amount of hard work and it takes a long while to see results. This on top of commissions and conventions and just… yeah. It’s hard for me to admit when I need to just stop for a second, because I feel like I should be doing all the things so I can make this happen.
Then this Saturday is the anniversary of my brother’s death, which is hitting me real hard this year, because he’s not here for the books and me essentially finally working at the things I want. I want to be able to call him and tell him about stuff that’s going on. The books, the conventions, the crafts we make, the costumes. I want to tell him everything. Usually, I treat it as a “he knows” sort of deal, but this year it just… it fucking sucks. So him not being here, plus me worrying about pretty much everything (money, job, how this writing this is going,ect.) is just… exhausting and somewhat depressing at times. My mom has also been calling me every day, which is perfectly fine, but I know she’s missing him a lot and I am too. I know why she calls when we have pretty much nothing new to talk about. I know why she sent me that box of clothes and has been spoiling me when she can. I know why she’s been visiting so much (Thanksgiving will make 3 times this year). Yeah, my book coming out and turning 30 was a big deal, but I know why she wants to be around me so much. It’s going through those things and him not being here for them. He should be here, or at least I should be able to call him, or vice versa. When my mom calls me, she should be able to call him right after, or something. It kills me that I can’t call him like I call my mom and dad, that I didn’t get to give him a “my book is getting published” call, or a “My 30th birthday is coming up,” or, “Hey guess what I can finally get married to the woman I’ve been with for almost 12 years.”
Anyhow, I finally went upstairs and slept. I stayed up past 4 in the morning yesterday editing the next book, then woke up before 9 am and have been trying to clean, work on stuff for our next con, and just… yeah a nap was needed. And now there’s more people following me and calling me pretty names, so that was nice to wake up to :)
This weekend I’m going to have a ton of fun because we’re going to Ren Fest. I have friends coming into town and staying here, so I’m hoping for wonderful distractions to take my mind off of what Saturday is. Though it has helped to write this all out.
Thanks for listening. Or at least skimming it while scrolling through your dash.
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