Got a angsty headcanon request, and since my spirits are currently down it was the perfect time to fill it?  For tumblr user: hatsuyo-kind-of

I mean, Naoto’s a smart girl, she has to know that Kanji likes her, right?  Maybe… she’s just not interested.  That is, until, it’s too late.  But there’s always a bit of hope somewhere, if you look hard enough, I think.  That’s what hope is there for, after all. 

Oh, end game spoilers… if… those are even spoilers anymore?

***

Everyone assumes that she is blind.

That’s what they say to her whenever Kanji Tatsumi stares at her, and blushes, and forgets how to put sentences together.  “You’re so dense, Naoto-kun,” Rise says, or, “Naoto-kun, Kanji-kun really wants you to be in the pageant,” Yosuke says.

She’s not blind.  In fact, it’s a bit insulting to use someone’s handicap as an insult, she thinks.  Though, since they insist, she comes out and says it one day during a study session that Kanji is absent from, “I am not blind, I am simply not interested.”

Before making this statement Rise had decided to pair up people at the table – Yosuke and Chie, herself and Kanji.  Rise had even asked Souji for his input, to which he said that yes, her and Kanji would make a terrific couple.

She had been trying not to bring it up, had been trying not to say something that would hurt anyone’s feelings.  Matters of the heart are delicate, you see, and she has to work with these people – Kanji included – to stop a murderer.  She thought that if she just remained quiet, it would pass.  But no, Kanji still blushed every time she was in the area and her friends – though it’s only been a few weeks after her rescue, are they actually friends now? – keep bringing it up.

So, unfortunately, it had to be said.

Her words immediately kill the relaxed atmosphere at the table.  Everyone is quiet.  Everyone is staring.  She sighs and decides to add, “Not that Tatsumi-san isn’t an individual with redeeming qualities; I just have no interests in romance.”

Souji can attest to that.  He had to trick her into having dinner with him after school once.

“But… but Kanji is a real sweetheart, Naoto-kun!”  This comes from Rise who has suddenly become Kanji’s official spokesperson, “I think you two should just spend some time togeth-”

“I have already said that he has redeeming qualities.  You do not need to speak on them; I already know they are there.  However, as I stated, I am not interested in-”

“Aw, just give him a chance!”  Clearly, Rise hasn’t given up, “You two could have dinner somewhere, or something.”

“No.”

“You can wear something really cute and-”

Naoto stands up before Rise can finish her sentence, grabbing her books, “Clearly, you are not listening to me.  And clearly, this entire subject has made everyone uncomfortable.  I will take my leave now.”

“Naoto-kun…”  Yukiko’s voice is soft, a bit sad; guilty.  The last thing anyone wanted was for Naoto to leave, but she’s already walking off, not looking back at any of them.

***

“I believe we need to discuss your feelings for me.”

“W-what?!”

Naoto is standing in front of Kanji’s desk the next day.  Class has let out and most of the students have already left.  “It will just be a moment,” she says, “If that is all right with you.”

“Uh… y-yeah, sure!” 

He’s smiling, and for some reason it makes Naoto’s heart hurt.  She shakes it off and takes a deep breath, “It has come to my attention that you have a sort of infatuation with me.”

“I…” he rubs the back of his head, that patented blush spreading across his cheeks, “Hell, there’s no use lyin’ about it, huh?”

“Not really, no.”

“Well… fine.  I guess I do have a crush-”

“You do not need to say it out loud, I already know.”

“Right.”

Kanji waits for Naoto to continue the conversation.  His heart is beating so fast that he swears she can hear it, like the drums from the school band, accompanied with trumpets.  He’s hoping that she returns his feelings, at least a little bit.  In his mind she absolutely does, but that’s just his teenage crush talking.  Why would he ever imagine her saying-

“I… had hoped to never address the issue, but for the good of the team I should.  They seem to be under the impression that we would be a good match when I, in fact, am not interested in those sorts of affairs.”

Oh.

Kanji lets it all sink in, lets her words sink into his mind and marinate there for a moment.  She’s not interested.  Of course, why would she be?  She only wants to work on cases, yeah?  So he gives her a shaky smile and stands up, “R-right, that’s… t-that’s cool, Naoto.”

“Really?”

“Yeah!  I mean… we got bigger things to worry about, yeah?  Catching the killer is way more important than some dumb ass crush.”

“… right.”  She doesn’t really believe his words, but who is she to comment on them?  She’s the one who doesn’t have feelings for him, and if this is his way of dealing with it then fine.  But, “I… hope this does not interfere with the case in any way.  We still have to work together, as a team, and I hope we can continue to do that.”

“’course we can!  We gotta catch this guy, and that’s what we’re gonna do!”

“Right,” she says again, nodding, “I… should get going.  I have to get to-”

“Shit, class!  Right!  I should go, too!”  Then he’s out the door before she can say anything else. 

She tells herself to ignore how tight his voice had sounded.

She also tells herself to ignore the sickness she feels in the pit of her stomach.

***

Things go smoothly, for the most part. 

Then Nanako gets thrown into the T.V.

It’s a flurry of emotions for everyone, especially Souji, but they stand together and walk through the gates of Heaven to retrieve the child.  The battle is intense; the first real one Naoto’s been in.  She’s still getting use to her persona and what it can do and her head still buzzes when she summons it. 

It’s when the mind control sets in that things take a turn for the worst.

She’s not use to seeing Kanji’s face twisted with so much rage.  The trick, she thinks, is to have them all turn against senpai.  Teddie, Chie and Yukiko are all sneering at them, persona at the ready, but they’re at least struggling, at least trying to fight it.  Kanji is different.  Kanji is all anger and electricity, eyes narrowed and teeth gritted as he sends his persona after them.

Them meaning Naoto.

Even Souji is surprised when the lightning races past him, curves past Yosuke and heads straight for Naoto.  His target is different and he’s not trying to hold back.  His hatred is clear and it’s terrifying, Naoto too shocked to move out the way.  Fortunately, Souji summons faster than all of them combined, one of his many persona jumping in the way and absorbing the blast.

Kanji growls in frustration, calling for another attack, and another.  There’s tears in his eyes that burn against his cheeks.  He’s screaming now, the lightning hitting the persona that stands in front of Naoto.  It has no effect, Souji is smart enough to send a lightning user to protect Naoto, but Kanji doesn’t seem to care.  He keeps screaming until he wears himself out, his body collapsing to the ground, his persona disappearing in the background.

And Naoto is left standing there, eyes wide and entire body shaking. 

***

“Licking at each other’s wounds isn’t going to solve anything.  Keep it together, Naoto.”

… what?

Naoto stares up at Kanji, his hand gentle against her shoulder. 

Is this the same boy?

Is this the same Kanji who had attacked her so fiercely before?

He smiles at her, that same sweet smile he had given her before; before she had crushed his dreams by saying she wasn’t interested in him.

Not in him, in romance.  It’s not like she wasn’t interested in-

… what?

“… you’re absolutely right,” she whispers, giving him a small smile in return.

She decides to ignore the smile on Rise’s face.

***

“Are we not going to talk about it?”

“Talk about what?”

They’re both leaving the hospital, walking down the street together, “What happened back there, in that world.  You attacked me.”

“I had no control over myself.  None of us did.”

“Yes, but you attacked me.  The target was supposed to be senpai.  That is who that creature was after.”

“So?”

“So… you were angry with me.”

Kanji sighs, “What do you want me to say, Naoto?”

“Just… you attacked me, but back at the hospital you-”

“You want me to still be mad at ya?”

“N-no!  No, I… I just do not understand-”

“Look, you can’t just tell someone you don’t like them and expect them to get over it that easily.”

“I-I never said that I did not like you!”

“You said you ain’t interested in a relationship.”

“And I am not!  But I never once said that I did not like you!”

“So what, you like me?”

“That… t-that is not-”

“It is!”

“I… I have no room for a relationship.”

Kanji sighs again, “Fine, you don’t want no relationship, whatever.  But you can’t expect me to be o.k. with it.”

“I thought you understood…”

“Naoto, I liked you.  For months.  It takes time to get over somethin’ like that.  I’m not saying that I’m gonna leave ya hangin’ or somethin’ if you’re in a tight spot, but shit, that thing was controllin’ me and latched on to the thing that bugged me the most.”

“… I see.”

“No, that’s the problem,” Kanji says, turning to walk in the opposite direction, “You don’t see at all.”

***

December is just a mess. 

Adachi is a raving lunatic and they have to track him down in a twisted version of Inaba.  It’s painful to walk the streets, seeing familiar locations being pulled apart and rebuilt.  The gas station isn’t supposed to be spread out across the ground, the tofu shop is supposed to be brighter, and the fabrics that hang from the textile shop aren’t supposed to be dyed in blood.

Naoto’s first instinct – much to her surprise – is to reach over and take Kanji’s hand.  She forces herself to ignore, instead watching as he clasps a hand on Rise’s shoulder, telling her that it’s not real and that they’ll find that asshole.  Naoto has a harsh memory of him clasping her shoulder in the same way back at the hospital and has a selfish thought about that hand only comforting her and no one else. 

It’s hard to keep that thought to herself but she does a good job, she thinks – hopes?  But as they continue to walk the streets it’s getting hard to remember why she had insisted on not having a relationship with Kanji in the first place.  Something about not being interested?  Only focused on cases?  It seems so stupid now, but even stupider is the depressing thought that it may be too late to try and fix things.

She’s already made her decision clear.  Now, she has to live with it.

***

When the world around them is covered in fire and ash Kanji is holding her up, the two of them gazing up at a giant eyeball with a camera lense as a pupil.  Their persona seem ineffective and Naoto has a dreadful thought: what if this is the end?  What if they can’t do it?  What if the world is covered in darkness and turmoil?

The last selfish thought to add to that list is: what if she dies with Kanji Tatsumi, the only boy who has ever had feelings for her, the only boy she has ever liked back, but the one boy that she was too stubborn to be honest with.

Perhaps, as the senpai and Rise had said that day, she really is blind.      

***

But things end happily ever after – sort of. 

Months pass and with the case coming to a close they all focus on Souji, who will be leaving them soon.  Naoto decides that it would, indeed, be best to not act on those feelings she had in December.  She chalks it up to stress, to sheer desperation since she thought that the world was going to come to an end. 

Then the fucking goddess shows up and everything goes straight to hell.

When the cursed hands rise from the deepest pits of the goddess’ shadows Naoto feels all of the emotions she had buried away boil over.  As soon as the first one grabs onto Kanji’s leg she’s on the move, summoning and shooting, shooting and summoning.  Her persona is swift and cuts each shadow away, but every one it cuts two more appear, then four, then eight.  Naoto settles for grabbing onto Kanji’s hand and pulling as hard as she can.

“Naoto!  Let go!  They’re gonna grab onto you, too!”

“That is impossible!  I will not let go!”

“Stop bein’ stubborn!”

“Being stubborn is what got us here in the first place!”

“What?!”

The shadows have started to crawl over Naoto’s legs, twisting around them and pulling her down.  She still doesn’t let go of Kanji’s hand, a sad smile on her face, “I should have said something before!”

It’s so loud around them, the shadows howling, the rotted goddess cackling as she works to claim more victims.  Souji is screaming, his persona rushing over and trying to cut into the shadows.  They are chopped into pieces before they quickly stitch themselves together, wrapping around Kanji and Naoto again.

“W-what do you mean you should’ve-”

“I never said that I did not like you!  Because I did like you!  I was just too focused on other things!”

“You… a-are you fuckin’ serious?!”

“I apologize for being stubborn, I thought… being a detective, being… i-it does not matter anymore!  None of that matters!”

“Don’t say that!”  Now Kanji is using his other hand to actually punch the shadows, his fist knocking into them.  It has no effect but it makes him feel a little better, “Look, we’re gonna get out of here, and then-”

“I-it is already too late,” Naoto whispers.  Now the shadows are clutching onto her hair, pulling on it and making her wince.  She’s still holding onto Kanji’s hand, the only thing she’s able to hold onto since most of her body has been submerged into the darkest pits of despair, “I-I… I am really sorry, Kanji-kun.”

“No!  Damnit, this ain’t… i-it ain’t gonna end like this!”

She smiles and closes her eyes.  It’s comforting to hear him screaming, hear him shout out his denial over such a dismal situation.  It at least makes her heart stop hurting, especially when he squeezes her hand tightly in his.  She likes to pretend that she heard him say I love you before the darkness overcomes them both.

Especially since she knows that the words had, most definitely, left her own lips.  I guess they really were right she thinks to herself as the world grows cold, quiet you really are blind, Naoto Shirogane.