hey, yeah, can we not with this “testing people” thing
because if you feel the need to “test” someone then that means you’re trying to make them prove things to you without their knowledge. you are trying to control them. you are manipulating them. there are a variety of reasons people may not contact you first, including but not limited to
- they need alone time
- they prefer to be approached
- they’re too shy
- they feel smothered
- they’re tired
- they’re busy
- they’re directing their attention to other people (though not your expense because people can have multiple friends!!)
- it doesn’t necessarily mean they don’t miss you
- or don’t like you
- you can’t read peoples’ minds
- don’t put words in their mouths
- it makes you look like an asshole
how about when you feel like your needs aren’t being met in a relationship, you fucking talk about it instead of being a jerk and doing this
It’s terribly unfair to set invisible standards in relationships and then expect your friends to live up to them/be inexplicably disappointed in them when they don’t.
Seriously I used to do this all the time to everyone and all I can say is GROW OUT OF IT. Grow out of it as quickly as possible.
another thing too - don’t judge your worth as a friend based on whether or not people can function without you
because that doesn’t measure how much you mean to them, it measures how dependent they are on you and that is something entirely different and also problematic and unhealthy after a certain point.
i have my fair share of friends who i love and cherish and genuinely think of as my own family, but we rarely IM each other and sometimes we hang out a lot and sometimes we don’t get together for weeks or months, and we can do that because we are confident and comfortable with our friendship - we don’t depend on each other, we love each other.
if you’re expecting your friend to lay on the floor and cease functioning because you stopped talking to them, then you’re expecting the result of an unhealthy, overly dependent relationship.
a proper friend doesn’t comfort you by patting your ass all day to prove to you that they’re always there, but with the mutually understood promise that they will be there for you with open arms whenever they can if you need to go to them, for advice or comfort or fun or whatever else.
This can also have the reverse effect, of your friend thinking you are ignoring them because YOU DON’T LIKE THEM ANYMORE! Like they’re sitting there, for a week, wondering why you’re not saying anything. They start to think, “Crap… did I do something wrong?” Then they start worrying about it, “Shit obviously I did something wrong,” when you’re just sitting there like, “La de da gonna wait to see if they call me first,” and you gain nothing and they just sit there thinking they’ve upset you, somehow.
The same can be said for relationships. Don’t sit there testing your significant other. "I’m really angry about this thing but I WON’T SAY ANYTHING until they figure it out.“ I use to do this, and it’s terrible. You sit there feeling terrible. Oh, and when they do ask if something’s up, do NOT say, "Eh, nothing.” No. Don’t do that shit. Don’t do it! That just makes it worse! Friendship does not mean the person has to talk to you ever second of the day, has to depend on you to function, it means none of that! And you don’t make it any better by going, “I’m just not going to speak.” No. No!
If something bothers you about your friendship or relationship or whatever, SAY something. Or hell, send them a text asking if you can talk, or send them a message in the facebook, or tumblr, or the thousands of other ways we can all talk to one another. Personally, if someone pulls this on me, I think it’s childish and have a tendency to play along. You want to test me? Fine. Test me. I won’t say anything to you until you realize that, oh, maybe I should treat my friend like a person instead of playing games and laying traps and whatnot.