Spoilers to the latest episode because Makoto, right?

In the beginning of this season I was so focused on Haru not having any idea what he wants to do, but now, my feelings have been turned upside down in a single episode, because honestly, neither does Mako, because he’ll just wait to see what Haru does, and in a way that’s worse than Haru not knowing what he wants (or rather, he knows, its just not a quote, unquote, real answer. But if Haru’s career sheet says “free” Mako’s is probably blank, because he won’t decide until Haru does).  

I sort of think that maybe Haru WANTS Mako to want more out of himself, you know? Since they were kids Mako always put him first, “I won’t join if you don’t. Here’s the dolphin I’ll take the fish.” Just, everything (or maybe my fangirl heart can interpret “Free” on Haru’s sheet being for Mako’s benefit, to let him know that he’s free to do what he wants and not just follow Haru. This sort of has been the season of Haru doing little things for the better, like calling their teacher when Nagisa ran away).

But I think Haru is scared, too.  Like on the one hand, awesome, Mako tried something new. He raced Haru, for real, and that’s great. On the other hand, it upset him, and I’m pretty sure Haru had this moment of, “Shit did I do it again?” Because when he raced Rin and Rin got upset, he quit swimming. Fortunately, Mako smiled it off though I don’t believe it for a second.

And I think Rin has an idea what’s going on, because he asked both of them in the first episode what they wanted to do, and neither one had an answer. Or rather, Mako started to say something but when Haru was quiet he was like, “I don’t know.” But now they’re at the point of needing to know and, well, maybe Haru wants Mako to say it first this time, to want something and not just push it aside so Haru can have it, or so Haru can shine (like when they were kids and Mako just watched everyone fawn over Haru).

And him being jealous of Rin actually makes a lot of sense. If Haru is best in the water, Rin gets to experience that over and over again. He can keep up with Haru (0.02 seconds jeez) and even when he couldn’t and faltered (last season) Haru was running to his side. And that’s not bad or anything, and its not like Haru is purposely doing it to hurt Mako, but… it probably hurts, since Mako is always there for him. At the same time… could it even be reversed? Mako seems like the type to want to do everything for someone else, and when you ask him what he wants its always, “Well I want to be around you. I want you to be happy. Here, you can have this if you want, I’ll just take this instead. I want to swim, but if you don’t then I won’t.”

Then Mako admitted to Nagisa that he may be jealous of Rin. I think this was very important. I mean, Mako’s been so focused on Haru, and he wants to swim with Haru, but… Rin is the one who really gets to see Haru at his best. It’s like Mako was so focused on Haru that he, somehow, lost sight of Haru, and didn’t realize it until they raced and then he saw him and Rin, like, “Wow… that’s not what I have with Haru at all, and… I kind of don’t like that.”

All these years of stepping aside and giving Haru what he wants yet somehow he missed the big picture. I feel like that’s where he is now, and that’s actually a good thing, because you shouldn’t spend your life just giving yourself to someone over and over and over again without asking what it is that you want for yourself.

It’s o.k. to want things for yourself, and it’s o.k. if you want something different from the person you care about.