So I was 13 and watching the Mortal Kombat cartoon (Mortal Kombat: Defenders of the Realm, look it up, it’s amazingly terrible) when our phone rang. Back then I was living with my dad and my step-mom, but I’d see my mom every weekend. She called our house and asked to talk to my dad. I thought it was kinda weird because she’d usually talk to me for longer than a, “Hi, where’s your dad,” but cartoons man, so I shrugged it off and told my dad to pick up the phone. 

Anyhow, I was sitting and watching the last episode, Liu Kang and the others were trying to beat Shao Kahn, all that hero stuff. My dad called me to come downstairs and I remember being kinda irritated, because it was the season finale and I was Mortal Kombat obsessed and needed to know what happened. My step-mom told him to come upstairs instead and they came into my room. 

Again, odd, to have both parentals in my room for no reason. It was Saturday morning so sitting in bed watching cartoons was the norm, so there was no real need for them to come in like that. Still, I shrugged it off, and kept trying to watch the episode past my dad’s shoulder when he sat in front of me, my step-mom sitting behind me. 

The extra odd part was that my dad looked like he was about to cry. I hadn’t connected the dots yet, I just kind of made note of it and proceeded to try and catch the last two minutes of the show. 

Then he told me that my big brother was in a car accident.

And I remember actually kind of shrugging that off, too, because my brother was my hero, you know? He was big and strong and he probably just had a light scratch or something, and we probably had to go pick him up from the hospital since my mom doesn’t drive. No big deal, no need for tears, no need to interrupt my Mortal Kombat finale.

But no.

No hospital.

It’s been 18 years today since my brother died, and even if it was so long ago I sometimes feel like it just happened yesterday, and sometimes feel like, man, I should be able to just pick up the phone and call him and tell him about all the cool stuff I’m doing. I wonder what he’d think of the books and the cosplay and all that stuff, and get kinda sad because I know he’d be proud of his geeky little sister and probably threaten to beat up any of the haters I get even if I’m an adult, lol, but that’s what big brothers do, especially brothers named Glenn Berry  :)

Well that was rather… interesting?

I just woke up from a kind of strange, but somewhat meaningful dream. I was watching someone play Super Mario Galaxy. I think it was a new one, like part three, because it wasn’t a stage I recognized at all. But anyway, I heard my mom call me to come downstairs because it was time to go. I don’t know where I was supposed to be going, I still don’t, but I went downstairs.

And she was standing there with my brother.

Now, a few things before I continue.

1. I have only dreamt about my brother since he passed away two other times. I only remember one of those times but I remember that it was twice (though I guess in that sense it could’ve been more than two, but I only remember one). That one dream I remember was him actually saying, “You should tell her,” in regards to me and my partner. So he actually told me to tell my mom about my partner. We were in my mom’s old apartment, I knew that he was supposed to be dead, and that was pretty much all he said to me.

2. Every time I dream about him, the ages aren’t right. He passed away when I was 13, but I’m never 13 in the dream, I’m whatever age I am at the time. Which is how I know he’s supposed to be dead. He’s still 26, no matter what, because that was how old he was when he died. 

Which makes the dream I just woke up from really, really bizarre, because I’m 30 now. He should be older, right? But nope, 26. I’m still smaller than him in height so it feels like I’m 13? 

Anyhow, my mom is standing there with my brother and all of my stuff is packed. Like everything. Not just clothes, but absolutely everything. And apparently, I’m supposed to spend the day with my brother. I asked him if anyone else is going with us, and he shakes his head and says that it’s just for us. 

So I go outside with my bags and it’s raining like crazy. But I stand and wait for him to pull the car up so we can pack it up and go. For some reason I don’t ask why he packed all my stuff or anything, I’m just happy to go somewhere with him because it was always fun. 

So he pulls up and I’m waiting for him to get out the car and help me pack it up with my stuff. But he doesn’t get out. He just sits there in the driver’s seat, looks at me, smiles and shakes his head before he starts to pull away.

Then I wake up.

And this really kind of startled me because… he died in a car accident. So in this dream he packed away all my things, left me with all of them, and drove off in his car. 

Which… what?

O.K. so I had a bit of time to mull it over (aka lay in bed and stare at the ceiling like “what the hell was that?!”) But finally, I think I figured it out. One thing that gets me, on occasion, is when something good happens or if I’m making crafts and writing or just… anything, really, I have this moment of, “I wish he was here to see all of this.” Like this whole crafting/cosplay/writing thing wasn’t going on when I was 13 (the writing was, and watching anime, so I guess it was… sort of building up?) 

This week I found out that two things I submitted are getting published. And I have tried submitting to Dreamspinner before, several times actually, and last year one short story finally made it into an anthology. So you can imagine my surprise that the first two things I sent in for this year just… made it. Just like that. 

And suddenly this dream happens.

This dream where he packs all of my stuff, which means… he got to see all of it. Clothes, coasters, clocks, figures, video games, just… everything (and there weren’t that many suitcases yet somehow when I went downstairs to meet him and my mom, the living room was empty, and our living room is where I craft and write and everything). And I’m 30 in the dream so he got to see me as a 30 year old woman who is working to make all of this work. When he died I was 13. I was 13 for 2 months before he died. So I was still very much his little sister. I mean I still am but… I was actually older than him in the dream, which means… I grew up.

The first dream I remember having about him I was still younger than him. I was in my twenties. Very early twenties but still. So he still had to come and tell me to do something, like, “You should tell her,” about coming out to my mom. This time, he just… smiled at me and left. 

So… yeah, that was… interesting.

It’s not a bad dream at all, it just… it throws me off when he shows up in dreams because it rarely happens. It was a good dream, overall, just… seeing him leave in the end kinda sucked for the simple fact that I’ll always miss him. But… I think I get what the whole thing meant, anyway.

Just… next time, it should definitely not be before 6 a.m. Then again my brother use to work the night shift so I guess 6 a.m. is nothing to him.

I’ll be back to my normal spazzy geeky self soonish I promise but my mom just posted this picture on her Facebook and oh god it’s my big brother ;__;  Goddamnit mom why would you do this to me I dislike you very much right now  :(  actually I don’t I love my mom just was not expecting to scroll past this >.<

Randomly, I’m wondering if I could’ve convinced him to cosplay… I mean he was kinda a dork.  He thought he was a vampire before it was cool, and even before it was overdone.  He played video games with me and watched cartoons with me, so maybe he would’ve fallen into the anime thing too.  I wonder what he would’ve thought of me cosplaying, I KNOW he’d be thrilled about the writing and art, so he probably would’ve been cool with it  :)

Ugh today is my big brother’s birthday and normally I want to write something deep and meaningful and “I know you’re watching from above” and stuff but for the first time in years I’m not feelin’ it at all.  I’m really in this “it’s not fair that this happened” mood and it’s really strange because I haven’t felt like that in a long time.

I will say Happy Birthday, at least.  You would’ve been 43 this year.  You would’ve seen me turn 30 and been here to see my first of many books. You probably know all of these things happened, somehow, and I’d go into more details about how lovely that is but, honestly, I’m hate that you’re not here right now.  But, wherever you are, happy birthday.  I love you.

This next part isn’t posted on Facebook, because I don’t want her to see it and she doesn’t have my tumblr.  I think I get where this is all coming from.  I mean yeah, I’m currently unemployed because the job I was supposed to start last month got cancelled.  My mom actually covered my bills for July and my unemployment went through for August, so we’re doing pretty good.  I’m still looking for a job, of course, but with conventions and the book and royalty checks coming that’s also a good sign.  But anyhow, I digress.  

My brother’s birthday is next week, so I know she’s feeling extra motherly.  On top of the fact that I just turned 30, he wasn’t here for that.  He also wasn’t here for my book coming out, and just… I think it’s this quiet thing between me and her, how we don’t have to say, “I miss him,” or, “I wish he was here,” and even the normal, “He’s always here just blah blah blah,” we just… know it’s going through our minds.  She flat out told me that she’d move to Minnesota if it weren’t for my uncle (they live together)  Not like, right next door or anything, but at least in the same state.  We don’t see each other often, but I’ve seen her a lot this year (at least for us, so far she’s been down here twice).  I have this feeling she wants to be here for all of the things we’re doing (conventions, books, cosplay) and be a part of it, somehow.  It’s that time of year when my brother is on our mind, so suddenly she’s been down to see me twice, really spoiled me rotten on my birthday, and now this package.  I’m the only child she has now, and I can’t imagine what it feels like for her to watch me take these creative steps in my life without my brother being there to see it, too.  

They had a bond that I know I wouldn’t understand.  It’s not bad or anything.  She had him when she was 16 and his dad wasn’t there, so the two of them sort of grew up together, you know?  She had help with him, but I feel like they had this connection because she was a young, single mom who made sacrifices for him.  He grew up into a fine young man, and took good care of the people he loved, and I know it’s because of her.  So yeah, I think it may be hitting a bit hard, and she likes hearing me call and being like, “HOMG MOM NO WAY YOU BOUGHT ME THE THINGS!”