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A cosplay piece I wrote for Twin Cities Geek.

Insecure thoughts are going to happen, they just will.  Even with all of my confidence I still have that paranoid voice in my head, that kid who was called “weird” for liking anime and video games, she still talks to me like, “They’re going to make fun of you,” “Remember when they made fun of you,” and I do worry – that’s normal.  The worrying stops when the cosplay is done, I put it on, I look into the mirror, and I smile.  Focus on that feeling of accomplishment when you finish that cosplay, because the only person you need to impress with your cosplay is you.     

I wanted to share an interview my wifey and I got to do for Geek x Girls about our cosplay and body positivity and all that good stuff  :)

All cosplay is made by my wifey Snow Tigra:)  (and occasionally designed by me, like the Mario dress)

Pictures are by Nude Carbon Studios and X-Geek.

Interview is here :)

There’s two things I want to address that always come up when things like “Blackout” or “28DaysOfBlackCosplay” happen.

1.  Why is this necessary?  

For the “why” I’ve included a pic of me in what my partner and I called “the hate shirt.”  This shirt shows just a few things that have been said to me in regards of cosplay.  As you can see, they range from bashing my weight, to disqualifying my race in that “stop acting white” comment.  For those of you who don’t know what that means, it means that I don’t “act black” because I don’t follow the stereotypes that are often seen.  I like anime, I like video games, I’m a geek, I speak in complete sentences, so somehow this isn’t “black” to some people.  Black, to some people, is ugly, and lacks intelligence, and people don’t realize that such characteristics isn’t exclusive to one race. Anyone can have an ugly soul.  And anyone, most certainly, can be beautiful. 

For the most part, I’ve found that people do want equality for us all, but some feel that its not necessary to have movements that revolve around the group we’re working to have equality for.  "Equality" does mean that all of us should be seen as equal, but the problem is that not everyone sees us as such, and until then, movements like “Blackout” and “28DaysOfBlackCosplay” are necessary.  There’s two parts of it, to me.  We not only have to make sure everyone is on board, but we have to make sure the group we’re fighting for feels like they’re worth it, and the sad truth is… not all black people feel like they are, because of the hate.  That’s what movements like this are for: to show them that they are beautiful.

Here’s a quote from an article I wrote for Twin Cities Geek:

If someone tells me that I’m not worthy of something enough times, I’ll start to believe it. I have believed it. I’ve believed that I wasn’t worth it because of my race. I’ve believed that I was ugly. I’ve been told to “stop acting white” because I like anime, video games, and cosplay. And I know a lot of others have felt the same way because of the color of their skin. Those people need to be shown that they are beautiful, that they’re worth it, that they’re equal. It’s great to think we all should be equal but there are plenty of black people out there who think that they shouldn’t be because of the crap that gets flung at them; who think that they CAN’T be. Equality is great, but you have to WANT it, and if you feel like you’re beneath everyone around you, you’re going to think you don’t deserve it. 

2.  How do you stay so confident?

The truth about confidence is that it’s not a constant. It’s not one of those things that, once you have it, it’ll be there forever. You will have bad days. I’m 31 years old and I am a confident person, but that doesn’t mean I’m confident all the time. I do have bad days.  I do falter.  I do have moments where I wonder if I’m wrong, somehow, whether its looks, or the things I’m into. Sometimes I get comments like the ones on the shirt I’m wearing and they hurt, real bad, and I wonder if I should just listen to the hate and stop what I’m doing.  And you know what?  It’s o.k. to get upset.  It’s o.k. to be hurt.  I get hurt, I get sad, I curl up under a blanket and don’t want to come out.

The trick is to not STAY like this.

When I do have faltering moments, I take time out to breathe and remember the positives, and the positives are there.  I have an amazing partner who loves me and supports me.  I have friends.  I have family.  I have fans.  I have people who have come up to me at conventions to say that I was the reason they came.  I have people who message me such wonderful, positive things. These are the things you should focus on.  Surround yourself with support.  If its not in your “real” life, find it online, because it’s there.  There’s groups who support our differences, and promote them, and are there for you if someone is giving you a hard time.  You’re not alone in this.  

Move at your own pace.  Don’t look at the person next to you and think you’re doing something wrong if they’re further than you.  It’s o.k. if you’re not there yet.  It’s taken me years to have the confidence to wear that shirt I’m wearing and say, “You said this shit about me, so what? I’m still here.”  It’s taken a long time, and even if I am confident, like I said, some days I’m not.  Some days, that shirt cripples me.  Some days, I feel ugly, useless, and not worth anyone’s time.  And that’s fine.  Your feelings are your own and there’s nothing wrong with them.  The way confidence works is that, when you do get in that head space, you’re able to take a breath, close your eyes, and slowly dispel the negativity.  Then, when you look at it you realize… there’s no reason to let it hold you back.  

It can make you stumble, it can even make you fall, but you have the power to get back up and keep going.

If you ever wonder how I can stay positive when I get hate just look at the fact that so many of you spoke up. Seriously, as much hate that exists there is just as much, if not more, love. Don’t let one person stop you, not a single one. If you need some positivity just look around you, it’s there, don’t let the hate cover the truth: this can be an encouraging, wonderful place.

Thanks, everyone :)

I think plus size women (and men) need to see positive, beautiful representation of people who are their size.  I also think they need to see plus size people being happy with who they are.  The stereotype of the unhappy, fat loaf who sits on the couch being lazy is such a lie, and it kills me that that’s what some people expect when they think of a chubby person.  I hate that it’s such a surprise to some people to see a plus size person wearing nice clothes and looking good, so I’m really glad to see positive representation out there.

Honestly, I think it’s just a great thing for everyone to see, not just plus size individuals.  Society has such a skewed view on beauty.  It’s always changing and the things we see aren’t always truthful (Photoshop, etc.)  I get support from all sorts of people, not just plus size.  There are plenty of people who are smaller than me who feel encouraged to love themselves when they see me.  I feel like body positivity is something that’s beneficial to everyone.  I feel like everyone has their insecurities, so seeing people embrace who they are is such a huge confidence booster.

My interview with The Curvy Fashionista went up today and I haven’t stopped smiling since :)

Hey Aesha!  I would’ve pronounced your name wrong, too, lol.  Anyhow, this may be a long answer, but I get wordy and stuff, so here we go!

Here’s the thing about confidence: it takes time.  It’s something you constantly work at.  I’m 31 years old and have had years of working on my confidence.  I grew up in the 80s.  I grew up in a time where there weren’t that many conventions, cosplay wasn’t as huge as it is now, anime was still new and video games were still growing.  Being a geek was just not cool, and not “common” with black girls — so I was told.  I somehow wasn’t “acting black” because I was into dragon balls and doing fatalities in Mortal Kombat.  This is still a thing that happens sometimes, but it wasn’t nearly as big of a deal as it was when I was growing up.  

So when I see it happen now I’m like, “This is so old.”  I think bullies think they’re coming in with new material.  The reality is, they’re not.  Bullying is as old as time, you know?  Calling someone fat?  Thanks for the info, I already know what I look like.  ”That person isn’t black.”  Really?  I could’ve sworn when I stared at the picture for reference her skin color changed.  When I got bashed for my cosplay I had this moment of, “… really?” It kind of baffled me.  Not because of the bullying itself, but the fact that it happened within the geek community.  Growing up, the people who picked on geeks weren’t other geeks, it was the people outside the circle, the ones who didn’t get what made Saturday morning anime on Sci-Fi so great.  It certainly wasn’t the geeky kid sitting next to me during lunch.  So now my mind is like, “You have got to be kidding,” because… really?  We’re all geeks, why are we bashing each other?

I also grew up with some pretty confident women around me.  That whole black, independent woman thing was huge (still is).  Someone talk shit about you?  Fuck them.  Someone hurt you?  Set fire to their car. Someone hit you?  Hit them back.  Harder.  Stab them.  Something. Don’t take that shit lying down.  I’m being serious, black women were (and still are) expected to be no nonsense sassy superstars.  Someone told you you were fat?  Whatever, you just can’t handle all this.  And it’s not a bad mentality to have, but there’s something really important that I think people should admit to when it comes to confidence: it’s not something we have 24/7.  

I know a lot of people talk about body positivity and confidence, which is fantastic, but something else to talk about is the fact that you’re not going to feel great all the time. Everyone, and I mean EVERYONE, has a bad day.  That’s something really important to realize and why I really love it when people come out and say that.  I love when these big names in the community open up like, “I didn’t always feel like I could take on the world.”  Because it’s true.  Insecurity isn’t exclusive to the chunky kid, or the black kid, or the gay kid, it happens to everyone, for different reasons.  And even if you’re the most confident, black, female, fat, lesbian out there, sometimes you wake up feeling like crap.  And that’s o.k.  Sometimes the insecure fat kid in me wants to hide in a sweater. Sometimes the insecure little girl stands and watches the boys play video games and she wonders if she’s weird for wanting to play, too. Sometimes the black girl wonders if she’s good enough. Sometimes the lesbian questions if she should hold her wifey’s hand in certain areas they visit.  It happens.  It happens to everyone, and that’s normal.  

Everyone has that doubtful voice in their head that tries to tell them that something is a bad idea.  For instance, when my wifey said she could make Wonder Woman for me, I was really excited, but I also had this moment of, “Am I really about to cosplay this?  She’s an icon.  She’s not black, she’s not fat, she’s beautiful.  Am I really about to do this?”  But my wifey, as always, was by my side and that dress is one of my favorite things to cosplay.  But that doesn’t mean I wasn’t intimidated at first.  When you hear that insecure voice, address it, talk about it, tell someone, “I don’t know,” and talk about it.  Don’t let it fester, you know?  When I started to feel unsure I was like, “Oh man wifey, I dunno…” and she was like, “You’re going to be beautiful in this, I promise.”  And you wanna know something funny? The day I posted that picture for the first time on my cosplay page, I did get bashed!  Someone made a comment about how I looked like I was eating myself to death!  But you know what?  I felt so good in that dress and felt so gorgeous that confident Brichibi was there in an instant like, “Oh please.”

Comfort is also hugely important.  Confidence is great, but it’s also important that you feel comfortable in what you’re wearing, and that adds to that confidence.  I love that Wonder Woman dress and feel good it in.  I did my own take on her, one that I would feel comfortable wearing and one that I thought would look good on me.  Find things that make you feel good.  

It’s all a process, really, and it’s not a race.  Take your time.  Just because you see a plus sized woman working her curves doesn’t mean you’re doing something wrong if you’re not ready to do that yet.  Take as long as you need.  Try new things out.  Have fun with it.  Find groups that are body positive and share a picture.  Start with a selfie and work your way up.  Do something cute with your hair.  Wear some new eyeshadow.  Do what makes you feel good, that’s what this is all about: you feeling good about yourself.

If you can’t see yourself stepping out of sweats, work those sweats! Sporty looks are cute!  Get some cute tennis shoes to match.  And smile.  A smile goes a long way.  Then work your way up, get some cute jeans, maybe a skirt that reaches your ankles.  Have fun with your wardrobe, have fun in the things that make you feel comfortable.  And as far as cosplay goes, don’t be afraid to alter an outfit into something you want to wear.  That’s what I did with Wonder Woman, and it’s fun coming up with new styles and interpretations to characters.    

I hope this helps <3

kendrawcandraw:

Only thing I’m worried about pulling off is my earrings ‘cause we’re fighting bitch