There’s two things I want to address that always come up when things like “Blackout” or “28DaysOfBlackCosplay” happen.
1. Why is this necessary?
For the “why” I’ve included a pic of me in what my partner and I called “the hate shirt.” This shirt shows just a few things that have been said to me in regards of cosplay. As you can see, they range from bashing my weight, to disqualifying my race in that “stop acting white” comment. For those of you who don’t know what that means, it means that I don’t “act black” because I don’t follow the stereotypes that are often seen. I like anime, I like video games, I’m a geek, I speak in complete sentences, so somehow this isn’t “black” to some people. Black, to some people, is ugly, and lacks intelligence, and people don’t realize that such characteristics isn’t exclusive to one race. Anyone can have an ugly soul. And anyone, most certainly, can be beautiful.
For the most part, I’ve found that people do want equality for us all, but some feel that its not necessary to have movements that revolve around the group we’re working to have equality for. "Equality" does mean that all of us should be seen as equal, but the problem is that not everyone sees us as such, and until then, movements like “Blackout” and “28DaysOfBlackCosplay” are necessary. There’s two parts of it, to me. We not only have to make sure everyone is on board, but we have to make sure the group we’re fighting for feels like they’re worth it, and the sad truth is… not all black people feel like they are, because of the hate. That’s what movements like this are for: to show them that they are beautiful.
Here’s a quote from an article I wrote for Twin Cities Geek:
If someone tells me that I’m not worthy of something enough times, I’ll start to believe it. I have believed it. I’ve believed that I wasn’t worth it because of my race. I’ve believed that I was ugly. I’ve been told to “stop acting white” because I like anime, video games, and cosplay. And I know a lot of others have felt the same way because of the color of their skin. Those people need to be shown that they are beautiful, that they’re worth it, that they’re equal. It’s great to think we all should be equal but there are plenty of black people out there who think that they shouldn’t be because of the crap that gets flung at them; who think that they CAN’T be. Equality is great, but you have to WANT it, and if you feel like you’re beneath everyone around you, you’re going to think you don’t deserve it.
2. How do you stay so confident?
The truth about confidence is that it’s not a constant. It’s not one of those things that, once you have it, it’ll be there forever. You will have bad days. I’m 31 years old and I am a confident person, but that doesn’t mean I’m confident all the time. I do have bad days. I do falter. I do have moments where I wonder if I’m wrong, somehow, whether its looks, or the things I’m into. Sometimes I get comments like the ones on the shirt I’m wearing and they hurt, real bad, and I wonder if I should just listen to the hate and stop what I’m doing. And you know what? It’s o.k. to get upset. It’s o.k. to be hurt. I get hurt, I get sad, I curl up under a blanket and don’t want to come out.
The trick is to not STAY like this.
When I do have faltering moments, I take time out to breathe and remember the positives, and the positives are there. I have an amazing partner who loves me and supports me. I have friends. I have family. I have fans. I have people who have come up to me at conventions to say that I was the reason they came. I have people who message me such wonderful, positive things. These are the things you should focus on. Surround yourself with support. If its not in your “real” life, find it online, because it’s there. There’s groups who support our differences, and promote them, and are there for you if someone is giving you a hard time. You’re not alone in this.
Move at your own pace. Don’t look at the person next to you and think you’re doing something wrong if they’re further than you. It’s o.k. if you’re not there yet. It’s taken me years to have the confidence to wear that shirt I’m wearing and say, “You said this shit about me, so what? I’m still here.” It’s taken a long time, and even if I am confident, like I said, some days I’m not. Some days, that shirt cripples me. Some days, I feel ugly, useless, and not worth anyone’s time. And that’s fine. Your feelings are your own and there’s nothing wrong with them. The way confidence works is that, when you do get in that head space, you’re able to take a breath, close your eyes, and slowly dispel the negativity. Then, when you look at it you realize… there’s no reason to let it hold you back.
It can make you stumble, it can even make you fall, but you have the power to get back up and keep going.
