Today is National Coming Out Day, so I wanted to write up something about coming out, especially since our 14 year anniversary was 3 days ago :)
I was thinking about it today and how, when I told my mom, she was completely accepting and even wondered why I would hesitate to tell her in the first place. And she’s right, because my mom has never been the judgmental type, and has always been supportive.
But thinking about it today I realized that my hesitation didn’t really stem from being worried about telling her… it stemmed from the realization that this was going to be a thing I would have to do, multiple times, and there would be different reactions each time.
Because despite what they make it sound like… you don’t come out just once.
The first person I came out to was myself. I had to admit it to myself and that took some getting used to. Growing up, queer representation was scarce, and black queer representation was pretty much nonexistent save for the sassy black friend, the butt of the joke, or the “don’t tell anyone” and being ashamed of it. It’s still an issue now. There’s still a lack of representation, and there are people who make you feel like you have to choose one over the other in regards to which you will support when the truth of the matter is… you need support of both, because they’re both a part of your life.
So the idea of even being gay was scary because it wasn’t a thing in the black community, as far as I knew when I was 18 and going off to college in 2001. It wasn’t something that was talked about, and the one big example I had in my neighborhood was labelled as “being confused” because she went between men and women. The expectation was to have a boyfriend, so when I realized I liked a girl I thought there was something wrong with me. So it took a moment for be to even speak it out loud.
Then I started coming out to people. The benefit was that I was in college, away from home, in an environment where a lot of people were really starting to get to know themselves and grow. It also helped that I was in the college of Liberal Arts and Science, so the idea of being gay wasn’t like this alien concept. It was something we discussed in Women’s Studies, people wrote about it in my English classes, we had professors with Safe Zone stickers, so coming out in college wasn’t really difficult.
The difficult part was coming back home for holiday breaks and shutting all of that down, because back at home, I wasn’t queer, I was the straight girl whose boyfriend had stopped talking to her when she went off to college, and who, someday, would have a boyfriend again – maybe even a husband and children. But the moment I told my mom I knew that was the start of coming out to different people in my family and friend circles back at home, and I was terrified.
While I definitely had “back at home” friends and family who wouldn’t care, there were some I was worried about. It’s not like they showed severely homophobic tendencies, but sometimes, they’d say things that would make me go, “Oh.” A comment on a gay character in a movie, or a gay person in general. Maybe a derogatory term about that person. The fact that I had had a boyfriend before just made me even more nervous, because, “You’re just confused,” or, “It’s just a phase,” or even, “Is this because of Women’s Studies,” came to mind (fun fact: all of those things have been said to me while coming out) Things like that stick with you when you decide to come out, and even if this is a person who is normally understanding and loving toward you… you remember those moments. And it wasn’t easy coming out to these people, particularly my dad, but I eventually did and they eventually got used to it and don’t treat me any differently.
But, after all that, I had to go and come out to my partner’s parents, and that was an entirely different layer of stress. I won’t really go into it because that’s her own story, but let’s just say I was a roommate for several years before finally getting the daughter-in-law status I have today. But it didn’t stop there, I had to come out again when I started working because people would ask about the ring on my finger, or just assume I had a boyfriend because I worked in a video game store, or even the simple question of who can use your employee discount and explaining that you don’t have a spouse because it wasn’t legal at the time. And then I had to come out again at my grandmother’s funeral because my partner came with me. People asked, “Who is that girl,” because she was sitting with us, up front, with the rest of the family.
So this process is constant, and continuous, and will probably never end. I’ll meet someone else who doesn’t realize that “partner” means life partner. And that’s fine, because it’s not like I feel the need to explain to every person I meet on the street about my sexuality. You kinda know who you want to tell. I just want people to realize why coming out is such a big deal. Even if you’re supportive and just don’t understand why someone close to you wouldn’t tell you, the truth of the matter is that you are one person out of several that is going to be told this information. So those nerves aren’t just from your reaction, but from a lifetime of reactions that are coming up. That’s why your support is so valuable, because there is a high chance that your loved one is going to run into someone they have to come out to who won’t be supportive, whether it’s directly, or indirectly.
So when that loved one decides to be open with you, don’t just reassure them that you’re 100% o.k. with them, thank them for opening up to you, and trusting you with that information :)
Happy National Coming Out Day <3
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